Yesterday, I went on a five-mile run (subtle brag. You caught me. I'm super athletic and in incredible shape). It was a bit chilly in the morning, so I wore my polyester long sleeve shirt from high school soccer. Yet, when I came home, I found bug bites all over my torso. Two on my right shoulder that blend into one super bite and about four spread out on the back of my left arm. Somehow, these vengeful mosquitoes took blood through my shirt without my consent. At least the New York Blood Center is kind enough to call me three times a day until I relent to giving blood just to stop receiving their calls.
Can't these mosquitoes see I'm in the middle of something? There are people just sitting on benches. Go take their blood! They don't need it. I'm running! My heart is working overtime so my muscles don't give out on me. That's like if I walked into McDonald's in the middle of rush hour, grabbed the oven, said "Don't worry, you don't need this," and then walked out the front door with it. I think they needed that a bit more than I did at that moment. And they chose the worst possible time. It's allergy season! You're telling me that I have to deal with pollen, climate change, the widening wealth gap between the billionaires and the poor held down by an unfair system, AND itchy skin? So, what can we do to stop this scourge of Blood Thieves? Apparently mosquitoes are "good for the environment" because they pollinate other plants and are a food source for many species of animals. Prevention is our only means of keeping our skin healthy and itch free! Here's an extensive list of what you can do: - Share this 10 slide graphic on instagram stories to raise awareness - Wear five layers when you go outside. Watch those little jerks try to stab me through five cashmere sweaters from my grandma! - Bug spray. Skip the cologne and smell like a bottle of hand sanitizer all day. - Never go outside. Don't even open your windows or doors. Use duct tape to ensure no bugs can penetrate your safe house. - Drain your blood. Can't get bit if you don't have what they want. - Move to colder environments. I hear Antarctica is beautiful this time of year. - Wear a bat costume all the time. It will scare off the mosquitoes. - Park your car in your living room to limit outdoor exposure. - Just say "no." Mosquitoes legally cannot take your blood if you say no. - Accept that the world is run by mosquitoes and we have no power over the clearly superior species. Cry. Thank you for doing your part to stop this terror of the Culicidae. We can't let them ruin our summer with the mild inconvenience of having to itch our skin every so often. Power back to the Homo Sapiens.
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Rob EnglishJust a kid from Pittsburgh trying to figure out my place in the world and write some things along the way. Archives
February 2024
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